Overture for a Sexual Suicide
by Little Miss Aly
Summary: Repost After a Kiss from Rory, Jess is forced to face his less than ideal past complete.Post season 2. I am playing with the idea of a sequel, let me know what you think.


**Title: Overture for a Sexual Suicide**

**Author: Aly**

**Rating: R**

**Spoilers: _I Can't Get Started_**

**Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls is not mine. **

Part 1: _A Friend in Need (is a friend indeed)_

Jess sat in the small clinic in Hartford. It wasn't dirty or run down, just small and under funded, unsurprising considered it was nestled in a town full of rich people who would never understand why teenagers and young adults might need an inexpensive place to get confidential, qualified medical help. They were people who had never been where Jess had, never lived that way. Jess knew that if he had asked Luke would have paid for him to visit a regular doctor at a normal clinic, but this wasn't something he could see himself going to Luke about. He chuckled half heartedly at the thought of that conversation. He could hear Luke asking, in his typical half oblivious but half knowing way, "Why do you need a physical? I don't see anything wrong with you." That was Luke though, tough practical love. 

What could he say in response? "Well, you see Uncle the town's virginal princess kissed me and well, I need to…" He needed to what? Could he really say the words aloud? Hell, he couldn't even manage to get them out in his little flight of fancy. "See if I'm clean." There, he got it out. Well, at least he did in his head. It remained to be seen if he could repeat them to someone else. 

"_Time to get serious, Mariano" the voice in his head reasoned as he starred down resolutely at the clip board the woman at the desk had handed him. _

"Fill this out, and be honest." The woman had cautioned "The answers are confidential and you'll only hurt yourself if you aren't truthful." Her words were true, but they were worn thin with monotonous repetition. Jess could tell she had repeated them to hundreds of kids like him. Hundreds that were beyond hope and salvation and just hoping for one last miracle, that they were clean, that their careless decisions hadn't destroyed their life, and perhaps the lives of someone they cared about. 

He gripped the pen firmly in his hand and looked at the first question, name. "_An easy one" he thought, glad for the reprieve from the tough stuff. __Jess Lucas Mariano he wrote in his tight neat script. He had to pause for a moment at the next one, age. After a thought he wrote eighteen. __"I'm an old man" he thought "__eighteen last month". _

The next question didn't surprise him; it was after all what he was here about. "Are you a virgin" it read followed by two neat little boxes one marked "yes" and the other "no". He wished real life fit into such tight neat little boxes as it looked on this form as he marked the no. 

* * * 

13 year-old Jess Mariano sat on his bed, Joseph Heller's _Catch-22 laying discarded on the bed beside him. They were fighting again he couldn't hear the words, only the pitches, the angry hurtful tones that rose and fell in a crashing soprano and breaking tenor. It was the symphony of the young man's life. The symbol crash of a dish shattering the floor startled him and apparently the instruments as well because their harsh melody ceased and only the low booming bass of feet echoed through the tiny inner city apartment. Soon the bass was accompanied by the raspy wisp of a suitcase sliding across the thread bare carpet. Grabbing his jacket he made his way out of his room and toward the door, almost free and then crescendo. _

"Jess, son, I'm leaving" his father said lightly as though he were saying "I'm having eggs for breakfast." 

Jess made no response; this wasn't anything new, just another movement in a very long piece. His dad came home when he had worn out his latest play thing, or lost his most recent job, begged his mother's forgiveness and then stayed around until a better offer came about. He continued out the door letting in slam behind him and shoved his hands in his pockets heading down the street. 

If life were a movie, it would have been pouring bitter rain as Jess made his way down the dirty street, but Jess' life was far from picture perfect. The sun shone down from a clear blue sky and the early spring air, though slightly cool was crisp and refreshing, an odd occurrence for inner city New York. Jess maneuvered the streets easily, unbothered by those around him, head down and unyielding. He stopped in front of another worn down apartment building much like his own and pressed the intercom button for one of the tenants. "Yes?" the voice came, slightly annoyed and accompanied by some bubbly background music. 

"It's me Sarah" was all he got out before the buzzer sounded and he was let in. He made his way to the apartment and let himself in. The fifteen year old girl sat on her bed in a tiny back room carefully coating her fingernails with black polish. She wore faded jeans that had holes worn into many places and a faded black tank top. Her hair was all black except for the tips which were blood red, the same as the lip stick she wore. 

"I need to hear a different music" Jess stated without preamble. 

Misunderstanding his meaning Sarah got up and replaced the punk rock CD in her player with the harder Nine Inch Nails and then made her way back to her bed, only to be intercepted by Jess grabbing her wrist and pulling her towards him. 

"In my head" he whispered harshly crushing his lips to hers. It took Sarah a while to respond to Jess' move. She had always thought of him as something closer to a little brother, or perhaps a younger cousin, younger being the key point there, but Sarah was good at giving the boys what they wanted and she could tell by the desperation in Jess' kisses that this was what he wanted, at least for now. She took up her part, opening her mouth to his attack, rubbing her tongue piercing along his tongue, his teeth. He pushed her back towards the bed but then seemed unsure of where to go from there. 

Remembering Jess' inexperience Sarah took the lead, maneuvering them so Jess' legs were against the bed, then forced him into sitting and straddled his lap.She pulled his shirt off and than began sucking and biting 

Spurred on by Sarah's action Jess slipped his hands under her tank and began to inexpertly massage her breasts. He tweaked her nipples hard causing her to yelp and bite down hard into the soft spot between his neck and shoulder producing a primal sound of pain from him. After only a few more moments of this she pulled back from him and slid off his lap. She began to unbutton her pants and motioned for jess to do the same. She wiggled out of her jeans and then almost an after thought reached into her dresser and tossed a small foil package at a now naked jess. "You're a nice guy Jess, but I can't risk any complication, you know" she said carelessly almost as if it didn't matter either way. 

Once she witnessed Jess clumsily get the condom in place she pressed his shoulders down onto the bed and straddled him once again. She looked into his eyes for only a brief second before rising above him, letting her eyes fall shut she bore down on him, fully impaling herself on him in one fluid motion, her head raising upward as she did so, face to the ceiling. She set a rhythm riding him in a steady manner, not frenzied but not softly either. 

It wasn't enough for Jess, the notes resounded as loudly as ever and growing brave he took control rolling them over so he was on top. He began to pound into her, hard and mercilessly. Her screams came in waves of crashing soprano and his followed, a breaking strained tenor. It was his own music; slam, scream, slam, scream and so on into the oblivion of release which came all to soon choking his breath and ending the melody. 

Rolling off of Sarah he slipped back into his clothes and left her there panting and sweating on the bed, body sore and voice hoarse. There was no cuddling for them, no basking in the post coital afterglow, no tender touches, no soft looks, and most of all no love. 

He walked out the door and back onto the street, grateful for the brief interlude but knowing he had to go back and face the music. 

He never saw Sarah again. 

Part 2: _(I felt like shit when I) __Woke Up This Morning_

Jess looked at the next question and inwardly groaned. There were just some things most guys didn't want to admit to, not even on a confidential form. The question read, what sex have your partner(s) been, follow by more neat little boxes that read male, female, both. He briefly considered fibbing a bit on that question, but then he remembered that he was here to finally come clean. Lying wouldn't help him now; he needed to do this, if not for him, for Rory's sake. 

***

Was it tequila that made you horny and vodka that made you numb, or was that the other way around? Jess couldn't seem to remember no matter how hard he tried, of course that could be due to the three beers and shot of tequila he'd already consumed that night. Oh well, better do both for good measure he thought pouring himself a shot of each and downing them before heading back to the make shift dance floor in the main room of the apartment. He scanned the underdressed gyrating bodies for a few moments before he saw her in her tight pants and brightly covered tube top and made his way back to her. 

They'd been dancing together for most of the night by some sort of mutual agreement. They'd met when they'd both grabbed for the same bottle in a bucket of ice. They'd laughed and then discovered neither of them really knew anyone at the party. They were both there both working on a really getting really trashed. They'd started dancing after the second beer and just kept going. 

Invigorated by the alcohol in his system Jess pulled the girl closer and started to heat things up a bit. They danced close midst the sweaty bodies with out inhibitions due to the alcohol for several songs without interruption, then Jess felt another set of hands come to rest on his hips from behind and another body began to move with him and his partner. Meghan, that was the name of the girl he was dancing with, looked up and winked at the person that had joined him. Jess was about to turn and look at this new person when he felt lips on his ear. 

"You look really hot out here dancing," a definitely masculine voice whispered before nipping his earlobe lightly and then moving closer and beginning to grind against his backside.

Jess began to move away uncomfortable with the guy's advances but Meghan grabbed his wrist. "Don't be a spoil sport Jessie, lets just have a little fun," she said her voice quavering in the upper register. 

The music changed and the sexy beat invaded Jess' body conforming his pulse to it sinuous rhythms. The two bodies moved against Jess' and he felt a nervous sweat begin to coat his skin. Despite the meager protest of his brain Jess continued to dance with Meghan and the guy, sometimes with Meghan between the two of them and sometimes Jess was jostled into the middle. After a few songs, Meghan left the two guys and headed towards the kitchen. Jess tried to move away once again but this time the guy grabbed his arms and pulled him close draping a lazy arm around his neck. "I'm Ryan," he said drawing the rather wasted Jess into his dance. Jess felt Ryan's lip press against his and Jess' gut reaction was to protest, but he couldn't seem to find a reason. He had come to this party to drown himself in the beat of the culture of New York teenagers. He responded to Ryan's kiss and they continued to dance, Ryan's hand slipping down to grope Jess' ass. 

After a few moments Meghan returned to the guys. "Glad you guys got to know each other," she said her voice filled with a musical drunken laughter "lets continue that process somewhere else." She beckoned them forward with the bottle of tequila in her hand. Ryan grabbed Jess' hand and pulled him forward following Meghan into a backroom. 

Meghan shut the door behind them, taking the time to loop her hair scrunchie around the outside door knob to indicate that the room was occupied. She advanced towards Jess taking a swig from the bottle and then pressing her mouth to Jess'. He opened his mouth to her kiss and felt warm tequila flow into his mouth, some escaping and rolling down his chin. She broke the kiss and then handed the bottle to Ryan who repeated her action taking a swig a kissing Jess. With more alcohol in his system and less people around Jess was even less inhibited then before, allowing Ryan to heat things up slipping his hands under Jess' shirt. 

Meghan, feeling decidedly left out, slipped between them and began to kiss Ryan while reaching behind her and reaching down Jess' baggy jeans to stroke him.Energized by Meghan's move, Jess reached up and fondled her breasts, but Ryan pulled one of Jess' hand's off her chest and began to suck his fingers. The threesome tumbled towards the bed, never breaking apart. 

When Jess woke up, his head was pounding. He rubbed his eyes with his fists trying to clear the clouds that had seemed to take up residence in front of him. With his eyes cleared he could recognize this was not his bedroom, he was not clothed, and he was not alone. There was a girl and a guy lying next to him, both as naked as he was. He slipped out the bed and removed his clothes from the pile on the floor. His whole body ached and when he sat down, he remembered his activities last night and the reason why he hurt. 

He slipped out of the apartment and down the street unnoticed and made his way back to his own residence. When he got inside he was greeted with the sight of his mother and some guy passed out and mostly undressed on the couch. There were several bottles of wine, now empty scattered around the room as well as a few bottle of harder liquor that were mostly gone. He was his mother's latest accompaniment; she'd gone through several since her divorce from Jess' father a few months ago. Jess tripped over his mother's bong on his was back to his bedroom. He was too tired and to hung over to care about his mother's activities last night, not that his own were much more respectable. He took the time to throw a blanket over the two sleeping adults. 

Its too bad he had to face the music so soon, he thought as he crawled into bed. He had gone out last night to override the tune of his life with something else. He had wanted to get good and drunk which was usually a pretty good method to silence the noise. Sex was the best distraction, but that involved people, which led to feelings, which got hurt and caused more discordance for Jess. Last night though, he got both and for a few blessed moments he didn't have to think about his drunken mother and his missing dad. 

Of course, he had a bad headache and a rather sore ass in repayment for it, but for a moment he had silence. 

Next time he'd have to pay even more for it, new music cost him even more every time; first his closest friend Sarah, and now his dignity.

Part 3: (_she's got me) Under Her Spell_

There that wasn't so hard, Jess thought marking the both box and moving on to the next question. He kept hoping the questions would get easier but each one dug deeper into a past he wished to forget, activities that didn't belong in the innocent world of Rory Gilmore. The next question brought one certain occasion to mind. It was a bitter sweet memory, but unlike the last one he wasn't ashamed of, well not completely. 

The question asked have you ever had unprotected sex, and it brought to mind the first time he'd done something so reckless, the first of many. 

***

Everyone called her Ivy, no one new where the nickname came from and no one knew what her real name was, but she was beautiful and they didn't care. She had long dirty blonde hair and a body that looked tiny and fragile but a personality that was just the opposite. She made her pale skin seem even whiter with pale make-up, black lipstick and heavy black eye liner. She had piercings in both ears from lobe to top, another one in her lower lip, her left eyebrow, right nostril and another that glittered little hints of its existence under the hem of her belly barring white t-shirt. She played with every guys 'school girl' fantasy in a black pleated plaid skirt, but dispelled any myths that she was some catholic prude by complementing them with knee high black leather boots and a large cross which was nestled between her breasts in low cut cleavage baring shirt. Jess had first seen her shortly after he walked into the party and had made a point to keep track of her all night. Like now for instance, he was sitting on the couch and she was… walking towards him. His breath caught in his throat with this realization and then she sat down next to him, and he didn't think he would ever breathe again, he wasn't sure he cared though. 

"Well, this party certainly sucks," she said plopping down on the couch next to him, "bad music, lame beer and a bunch of cheerleaders." 

"I know what you mean, they were playing some good stuff earlier but then the pep squad and their brainless ball players decided to crash, and it has become the epitome of lame." 

"Did you just use a word longer than two syllables?" she questioned with a laugh. 

"So?" this girl wasn't going to break his cool guy façade, no matter how gorgeous she was. 

"Nothing, I'm impressed. I didn't know they taught words that big in New York public schools. I'm Ivy, by the way."

"Jess Mariano," he replied "and they don't teach them in school, at least they haven't when I've been there." 

"Ah, the rebel with out a cause," She said assuming an all knowing voice and straightening herself up into a more respectable posture. 

"That's a new one," he said with a bitter laugh "my parole officer says I'm a delinquent, my mother a hooligan and my guidance councilor a punk." 

"Spoiled rich girl who is trying for mommy and daddy's attention, slut, and a young lady who's throwing away infinite possibilities for a little attention," she ticked off on her fingers, "nice to meet you punk," she thrust out her hand. 

"The pleasures mine, slut." He grasped her hand a shook in firmly. Jess could hear her own melody in the way she spoke and observed the world, it was eerily reminiscent of his own, a near harmony. 

She looked him over once, not trying to hide her sudden appraisal. "You know," she drawled slowly still eying his body, "for a punk, you don't have nearly enough piercings, in fact; I think it would be safe to assume you don't have any." 

"Sarcastic and psychic, what more could you want in a girl," he quipped. 

"Woman," she corrected. "Come along boy, if you are going to be called a punk, might as well be one." She pulled him up by the hand. 

"Wait one minute, I think you have mistaken me for someone who is of age." Jess flinched at the thought of metal going through his body, he'd had a few tastes of the feel of metal in street fights he'd been in, but voluntarily, he wasn't so sure about that. 

"Age is relative," she told him pulling him out the door, "I know some people, you aren't scared are you?"

Her voice had a musical lilt, like a flute quavering in the lower registers, and Jess knew he couldn't resist her. She was no breaking soprano and Jess needed her new, dangerous music. He followed her out the door and into the night. 

She took him down the dark streets into a small shop which had walls that were covered with tattoo flash. "Ivy, come on girl you know it's too soon to finish your art work," the man standing behind the counter told her. 

"Not me Phish, I brought you a virgin, fresh flesh," she said wickedly running her fingernails down Jess' chest. 

"So what are we doing tonight?" The man Ivy had referred to as Phish asked looking at Jess. 

"Well, actually we haven't fully decided that yet." She said eyeing him again, as though he were something she was about to buy. 

Jess wasn't quite sure where the we fit in the occasion so far this had all be Ivy's plan, and he'd just followed behind her like a sad little puppy. "Off with your shirt" she said suddenly grabbing the hem of his t-shirt and starting to tug it up over his head. 

Jess tried to protest, but found himself powerless against her. His shirt in her hand she stood back and continued her unabashed appraisal. "That's it," she nearly yelled lunging forward, she placed the pads of her thumbs over Jess' flat nipples. "They'll be perfect with little silver rings." 

Jess wanted to disagree but he saw the look in her eyes. The prospect of his piercing excited her, so he allowed him self to be led into a little room and sat down on a table which was similar to a doctor's exam table. Phish cleaned his chest with some sort of antibacterial cleanser and then made some marks with a toothpick and purple ink before having Jess lay down.

He felt the clamp go around his right nipple and then Ivy appeared over his head and grasped his right hand. "Don't worry punk, it won't hurt for too long and it's the good kind of pain. It's the white hot pain that heals, or at least disguises all those other dull pains". She smiled at him, but Jess could see the dull pain that beat behind her eyes. With all the piercings in her body she must be hiding a lot of those dull pains, but Jess knew all about the hiding and the disguising. 

"Okay, slut, but if I die from this, I'll blame you." He winked at her. He felt the tip of the needle press against his flesh and closed his eyes. 

"Deep breath, okay blow it out." Phish instructed. Jess felt the needle tear through his skin, a flash of burning intense pain shot through him, but he blew it all out with his breath. Phish slipped the jewelry in and walked over this his other side. "One more, can you take it?"

Jess just nodded, the pain was almost better than sex for changing the music. It was a far better solution than alcohol, and unlike sex it didn't involve someone else. 

Ivy became Jess' life. She was a fifteen-year-old goddess and Jess as madly in love with her. They were two of a kind, both having drunken mothers and inattentive fathers. His father had never returned after the last fight with his mother two years ago, their divorce was final a year ago and Ivy's father was a well to do business man who though he amply provided for Ivy and her mother, he spent most of the time with his latest secretary, who he cheated on with his current mistress. 

She shared his passion for music, though never quite understood his fondness for literature. They spent hours discussing rock, of all genres, punk, metal, alternative. Sometimes they'd slip into conversation about books, Ivy could hold her own, having spent most of her life in elite prep schools, but she didn't have Jess' fire. Whenever the conversation bored her she'd simply brush it off "What good will all this book learning do a punk and a slut" she'd exclaim and then laugh. It was a light laughter, but he knew the pain hidden beneath it. They knew their roles in society and didn't have a clue how to change them. He would be the delinquent and she the trophy wife. 

Ivy's family was new money, so they didn't have an oversized house in some nice little suburb. Instead they had a large apartment in New York. Ivy's father was most commonly found at work or with his latest mistress and her mother was often passed out in her bedroom, so that left the two teens a lot of time to entertain themselves in the large apartment. Though, they didn't spend all of their time there. Jess was the master of pranks, and she became his mistress. Whether is was stealing all the basket balls just before the most important game of the season or moving the principles car to the other side of the parking lot so he thought he'd lost his mind, Ivy was right by Jess' side. She was the Bonnie to his Clyde the melody for his harmony. 

They even decided to wait to have sex, both having had bad experiences in that department. In fact it wasn't until six months into their relationship, shortly after Jess' sixteenth birthday that they did. She had taken him to get a labret piercing done for a birthday present, while she had more work done on the fallen angel design that was growing on her back and then they went back to her apartment afterwards to hang out as usual. 

As the track changed on the cd, Jess watched Ivy's features change and he knew something had come to mind. "You know," she began pushing herself up into a sitting position on the bed where'd she'd be resting on her elbows, "if I'd been thinking I would have gotten my hands on Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday to Kennedy for your birthday." 

"Yeah, 'cause it's so likely that I'll be anything close to president."

"It's the only decent classic birthday song out there." She countered. 

"It's my party." Jess offered. 

"That's an awful song and you know. That was a pathetic attempt Mariano; I think you are getting soft." She shoved him playfully and he let her momentum carry both of them backwards so she was lying atop of him on the bed. She looked into his eyes and her look softened, "Happy birthday punk, even if I'm a little late" she said softly. 

"Thanks" he responded looking away from her. "You know she didn't even remember. I turned sixteen and she didn't even remember. I mean I expected him not to call, he hasn't been around for over two years, but she bore me, you'd think she'd at least remember the day she went through all the pain she likes to tell me about." 

She could hear the bitterness in his voice and didn't know what to do. Ivy may have been a lot of things but good with emotions was not one of them. She wasn't a nurturer, so instead she did the only thing she was good at, and she kissed him full on the mouth. Jess responded instantly, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her small body tightly against his opening his mouth to hers.

It hurt more than Jess cared to admit that his own mother hadn't remembered his birthday. He had told himself that she was just busy, but he was only fooling himself. The truth was she was too wrapped up in herself, her booze, and her boys to remember him. The only good part of it was that she was too wrapped up to remind him how big of a mistake he was, and what a problem he'd always been. He could hear her chorus now though, even without her saying it, he needed a new chorus, and badly. 

The kiss heated up and Jess slipped his hands up under t-shirt, running his hands along her sides, her back to tender to be touched right now due to the recent additions to her artwork, plus there was sanitary aspect to be considered. Sarah returned his actions stroking his face, fingering his earlobes. There actions were not frenzied but they still carried intense heat, an intense heat of pain. 

Jess felt a stinging under his lip and remembered his fresh piercing. He knew he shouldn't be kissing her, but he couldn't seem to stop, he need to burry himself in something. He began to strip her of her clothing and received no protest. He began to kiss her whole body starting at her neck, worshiping her with his mouth. He kissed across her collar bone and then down her chest purposely avoiding her already protruding nipples. His mouth trailed down her torso, stopping at the top of her pubic hair. He then shifted his position so he could kiss and lick his way up her thighs, alternating between the two. 

He couldn't remember seeing anything more beautiful than the girl, no woman squirming beneath him. Her eyes were closed and lips parted revealing just the tip of her pink tongue. Her blonde hair sprawled around her head messily creating some sort of halo, but the piercings in her body quickly dispelled any angel comparisons. He was filled with an intense desire, he wanted all of her. There was no shame or uncomfortable feelings as he lowered his head and buried his face in her, lapping at her clit. The new sensations caused her to wiggle harder; trying to maximize contact with his warm tongue she pressed herself to his face. He slipped to fingers into her wet passage and began a rhythmic motion alternation with licks and sucks on her clit. After a while, she slipped over the edge with moan, hands clinging to Jess' hair, inner muscles spasming against his fingers. He continued to softly lick her for a few more moments before kissing his way back up his mouth. 

She smiled at him and whispered "Thank you, no one's ever down that for me before," a solitary tear slipping down her face. She kissed him hard on the mouth and began to pull at his clothing. 

He obliged her and moved back to slip out of his pants then positioned himself back between her legs. He felt more nervous about this than when he'd lost his virginity to Sarah nearly three years ago, but when he looked into her eyes he knew it was right. He slid into her slowly and once he was fully inside they both sighed, feeling suddenly very complete. They never broke eye contact as he moved in and out of her, aching every time the feeling of her warmth around him nearly disappeared. Her arms when around his neck and then her legs went up to wrap around his waist. They were connected in as many ways as possible as they slipped over the edge into orgasmic oblivion moments apart. They lay together afterwards, wrapped up in each other, just breathing. 

Ivy was a beautiful bridge for Jess. Unfortunately like all bridges she had to end and the music had to return, although it would never be the same, the bridge served to change the tune, at least a little, though not always for the better. 

Part 4:_Hold Her Closer (when she cries)_

The form was getting harder and harder to fill out; every question brought back a slew of memories from his time in New York, from the person he was there. He thought for moment about getting up and leaving. He actually put the pen down and started to get up.What would the difference be, he rationalized, Rory had her boyfriend and it certainly wasn't him. Then he remembered why he was here. This was a time for honesty; he needed to come clean, if not to Rory at least to himself. This little innocent town princess had seen something in him, enough something to defend him to her mother and boyfriend, and for her sake he needed to do the right thing at least once. 

With renewed determination he picked up the pen and moved onto the next question. Have you ever been pregnant, or if male have you ever gotten your partner pregnant?

***

Jess felt sticky and sweaty, but content lying there with Ivy wrapped in his arms. Ivy didn't like condoms, said they felt funny, so instead she always made Jess pull out before he came. Jess wasn't so sure how great of a method of birth control method that was, but Ivy seemed satisfied. For Jess it wasn't exactly fulfilling mostly because it took so much concentration and then there was the mess. 

"Come on punk, we need a shower" Ivy said wriggling out of his arms and towards the bathroom. She grabbed his arm and pulled him out of her bed when she saw he was making no move to follow. "Somebody made a mess, and we have to clean up" she scolded mockingly giving him a pointed look. 

"Oh, you like it you little slut" he teased smacking her behind as he followed her into the bathroom. Jess and Ivy had settled into a pretty comfortable routine. Most days they went school, mostly to keep administration off their backs and then they came back to Ivy's house for a few hours to hang out, which usually ended up in sex then Jess would shower and head home in time to toss his mother out of bed for her graveyard shift at the grocery store where she was a cashier. If there was a party or a concert they'd go out again that night. It wasn't perfect, but it was the most stability Jess'd had in a long time, perhaps ever. 

The water was cool against his skin; Ivy didn't like it too warm after sex. He felt her hands against him rubbing over his torso, soft and soapy. "Jessy," she began, a little whiny. 

He knew she was going to ask for something. She only called him Jessy if she wanted something she knew he wouldn't like. It was her special little girl routine, he knew he was in trouble when it made an appearance. "Yes Isabella?" It had taken him almost a year but he had finally learned her real name. 

"Oh god, don't call me the awful name," she said smacking him playfully on the chest. 

"And I like Jessy so much better. What do you want Ivy?" He was almost annoyed, but he couldn't really muster total annoyance, she was gorgeous, naked and wet standing right in front of him, plus he really did love her. 

"What would you do if I got pregnant?" The words slipped through her lips quickly and she looked down to the ground. 

Jess had never known Ivy to be shy, she was forward, she was crass, that's part of the reason he loved her. "Come on Ivy, what's going on?" He pulled her towards him, lifting her chin her forcing her eyes away from the ground. 

"I think I'm pregnant." She fell into Jess embrace, they may have been naked in the shower, but it was one of the least erotic things they'd ever done. 

Jess knew he was supposed to freak out, supposed to get angry, but he didn't feel any of those things. "Have you taken a test?" He asked meekly, he wasn't angry just a little scared. She shook her head against his chest and he took that to mean no. "Okay, I'm going to go pick one up right now for you to take and then we'll go from there when we find out, okay?" He told her reaching to turn off the water. 

Jess returned sometime later to Ivy's apartment, she was sitting on her bed in her bathrobe. He handed her the small drug store bag. "Hey punk, no offense I think this is something I want to do alone." She told him with a sad smile. 

In some way deep down Jess understood her request. He left the bag on her bed beside her, gave her a quick chaste kiss and headed home. He negotiated the inner city streets with the ease of a native and caught the subway that would put him in the right neighborhood. He and Ivy didn't exactly live in the same part of town. 

There was a pair of men's Dockers draped carelessly over the couch that greeted Jess when he entered the shabby apartment. It meant that the hot dog king, his mother's latest boyfriend, was wandering around somewhere near by without his pants. Sadly this boyfriend seemed to have staying power and a huge distaste for Jess. He grabbed a coke and a bag of Doritos from the kitchen and then shut himself in his bedroom, not wanting to deal with that guy tonight. He turned up his music to drown out anything that might go on before his mother left at eight and cracked his latest book. 

The phone rang sometime after midnight rousing Jess from his sleep. He'd learn from experience not to ignore the phone. When he was twelve the phone had rung during the night but he'd not wanted to answer it. It rang again at six in the morning. His mother had been arrested for public drunkenness and indecent exposure. He'd had to go down to the station to get her. They had decided not to press charges after the woman's twelve-year-old son had come to get her. 

He picked up the phone after the third ring and said hello. There was no response on the other end forgive a muffled noise that sounded vaguely like sobbing. He was about to hang up, annoyed at having his sleep interrupted when a small voice broke through. "Jess?" the voice asked meekly. 

He knew immediately who the crying girl was. "Ivy, what's wrong?" 

"Jess, my parents found the test. They are sending me to a boarding school in England. Jess, oh, Jess I'm leaving tomorrow." She choked out in a whisper between hiccupping sobs.

Words froze in Jess' throat. He was loosing Ivy, his precious savior, his perfect harmony. Finally rational thought took hold. "Was it positive?" He asked, whispering too but not really knowing why. 

"No." She said, and then her breath caught as though she was going to elaborate but she was cut off. 

"Isabella" the scream sounded in the background, Jess knew it was her mother voice, and then with a click the line went dead. 

"Ivy, don't go, I can't live with out you," he said tears rolling hotly down his face, but it was too late; the dial tone was the only one who heard his confession. "I love you," he told the mechanical voice of the operator that informed him to hang up and dial again. 

The labret piercing was burning a hole in his face, it was her birthday present and a constant reminder of the first time he ever made love to someone. He got out of bed and unscrewed the piercing tossing it carelessly onto his dresser. 

The next morning he went back to Ivy's tattoo parlor. He had his first ink done that morning; he finally had something he never wanted to forget. The design was simple, a black eighth note on his left shoulder. The music note was wound round with a piece of green ivy. 

Part 5: _Casual Affair (but everybody loves you)_

Thinking about Ivy made Jess conscious of his nipple rings. He rarely thought about them since he had moved to Stars Hollow. When he had been in New York he was far more conscious of them, of course that might have to do with people seeing them. There always seemed to be a trail of women that got Jess shirtless back home and often if he went clubbing with his friends he'd wear only fish net shirts so the silver of the rings would glint through. In fact, he'd only really thought about the piercings one other time during his time in Stars Hollow. 

It had been yesterday morning, the day after he came back. The night had been particularly warm and Jess had slept only in his boxers. In the morning he didn't think about it and headed to the bathroom with out putting his shirt on and Luke happened to be standing on the other side of the door when he got out. He took one look at Jess and shook his head. "Tell me those aren't new" he said in a very exasperated tone gesturing towards the rings. 

Jess just shook his head and moved past the stunned Luke. 

"That's not new either is it?" Luke said even more irate noticing the tattoo. Jess shook his head and continued on his way, but Luke wasn't done. "Jess, no new body art." He said with an air of finality. 

That little interaction reminded Jess how little the people of Stars Hollow knew about his life in New York. He had the feeling they would be shocked at some of the things he'd gone through. Most of the people of the town just assumed he was a restless hooligan. They just didn't want to find out there were reasons behind his trouble. 

He sighed; he couldn't really get sidetracked now. He only had two more questions to answer and he figured the nurse should call him back any minute. He didn't have the time to contemplate the intricacies of small town life and the people who lived it. 

The last to questions were very closely related in both their topic and in memory for Jess. The first one asked, have you ever been diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease and the second, have you ever had a positive HIV test. 

***

After Ivy left there was Jessica, who liked it really rough, Sheri, who like it in the ass and Tonya who would suck him off like a whore but wouldn't let him touch her below the waist. Then Mary who like it slow and tender; he'd done her in the same time period as Kate who liked to be called dirty names and spanked. There'd been an encounter with Ashley and her older sister at a party that he was sure to never forget. After the sisters some of his friends started to refer to him as Jess the Man, or just The Man. 

Even more of his friends started referring to him as The Man after he started dealing small time in pot because of Katherine, who liked to be the dominant mistress. 

Sometime after Laura the terrible drunken lay at a party, and some what of an orgy after a rave in a shabby hotel room he began to feel the uncomfortable burning sensation when he urinated that could only mean one thing. 

He'd tried to ignore it, hoping that maybe it would just go away but when it got so bad he could barely bite back the tears every time he had to go to the bathroom he knew he was going to have to see a doctor. One of his buddies told him about a free clinic near his high school that would do the tests and give him the medications in complete confidentiality. All the free clinics were supposed be completely confidential but some kept records and required real names. Those things were suspicious to Jess and most of his friends. This clinic was a favorite among the societal delinquents of Jess' neighborhood. It was august and there was no school in session so beside for the occasional party or concert Jess really didn't have much else to do, the wait for the clinic wouldn't be bad for him. He headed up there mid morning one day. 

The person behind the desk had given him a form to list his symptoms and a consent form for an HIV test. She then pointed to a sign in sheet then kindly reminded him to listen carefully because they only called the name once and if no one answered they moved down the list. Jess knew the woman was no fool, she knew that everyone gave an assumed name when they came in. There were only a handful of names on the list ahead of him when Jess scribbled down J. Morgan and then sat down. It took him jest a few seconds to check off his symptom on the first form but he pointedly ignored the second. He pulled a worn copy of _Farewell to Arms from his jeans pocket and settled in for the wait. _

He was mildly surprised when less than an hour later his name was called and a worn looking nurse took him back. She took the form from him, handed him a cup and pointed him to the bathroom with quick instructions then turned her back to him to work at desk. He returned a few moments later with a full cup and she escorted him back into an examining room. He was handed a gown and told to strip down, the doctor would be with him in a few moments. Before she left, she placed the forms Jess had filled out on the counter. 

He had gotten his clothes off, leaving them in a rumpled pile on the chair and managed to maneuver himself up on to the examining table when there was a sharp rap on the door and the doctor walked in.Jess was surprised that the doctor was an older man. He had expected some young guy fresh out of school and naïve enough to think he could save the poor inter-city youth. This guy had no delusions of that, or at least the manner he presented him self in didn't seem that way. During the exam he was strictly professional never lecturing about safe sex or bad decisions. There were a few uncomfortable moments when he had to swab Jess to test for Chlamydia and gonorrhea, in more than one location because of Jess' history with same sex partners. Though the uncomfortable feelings didn't last long and the exam was soon over. 

The doctor took a seat on the chair across from the table. "Okay, it will be a few days before your tests come back, but you have all the symptoms of Chlamydia so I'm going to go ahead and write you a prescription for antibiotics. Take all of the prescription unless we call and tell you otherwise. You need to inform all of your recent partners so they can come in to be tested. No sex, vaginal, anal or oral until your prescription is gone. The only way to prevent this from happening again is to use condoms every time. The nurse will be into do your blood draw and then you are free to leave." The doctor started to get up tearing the prescription from the pad and reaching for the forms. "Oh, you forgot to sign this," he said giving Jess the HIV consent form. 

"That's okay, I'm not interested." He reached for the prescription the doctor held. 

"With your history, you really should get an HIV test." His tone was almost condescending and Jess was instantly irate. This doctor was turning out to be just like every other adult, thinking he understood what Jess was going though or where he came from. 

"Look, I don't want the test. I'm here for the prescription; if you won't give it to me I'll just go somewhere else. Hell, I can probably score some on the street without much effort." If this guy wanted to think that Jess was just some sort of social delinquent, he could be that. 

The doctor cleared his throat and adjusted his tie in an almost nervous gesture. "I can't make you do anything, here's your prescription. Think about getting that test though, it isn't just about you, its about every partner you've ever had and every partner you'll ever be with and someday there might just be one you'll care enough to get over you fears and find the answer." The man moved towards the door during his brief lecture. 

Jess moved towards his clothes and the prescription the doctor and dropped on them on his way out. "I'm not scared, I just don't have time for this shit." He spat at the doctor who was heading out the door. "And, she's already gone" he whispered to the closing door memories of Ivy flooding to him. 

He took the prescription to the nearby pharmacy and had it filled. Hedidn't have insurance but the doctor had given a generic antibiotic so it didn't cost him too much, not that he couldn't afford it with the cash he had lying around, but he could think of better uses for it. The clinic called a few days latter to tell him he had tested positive for Chlamydia. Jess avoided sex for the next few weeks while he finished up his prescription, he drank more and smoked a lot more pot to make up for the dulling sensation sex had. 

Friday night was always the worst for him; it used to be his and Ivy's night. Both of her parents would be gone all night so they had the whole night to themselves once Jess shipped his mother off to work. Since Ivy had left he'd never been alone on a Friday night, alone meant time to think. The first Friday on the prescription he'd gone to a party and done Jell-O shots chasing them with beers until he'd passed out, but the second Friday he couldn't manage to drag himself out. He sat in his room fingering a butterfly knife he'd pick up at some point, he didn't carry it around with him often, just didn't feel the need but tonight the weight felt good in his hands. He flipped the blade around and then though he'd done it thousands of time the blade slipped on a turn and scratched his arm. The pain felt good, not the same as a piercing but a release felt good, he felt something real rather than the pain in his heart. He told himself that he wasn't one of those week people who cut themselves because they couldn't deal with their problems, but before he fell asleep that night there were several more cuts along his arms. 

Two months later he got arrested, again, this time minor in possession. There wasn't enough evidence to charge him. His mother picked him up from the station the next morning. His bag was packed in the back of the car and his mother handed him a bus ticket. She had called his uncle in some little suburban hell hole the night before when she had received yet another call from the police station. He was no longer welcome in his home. Not like he cared anyway, there wasn't anything there for him, there never was. 

***

Jess looked down at the form. All the neat little boxes were checked creating an effect much like sheet music. The score of my life, Jess thought, if it were only that simple. Doctor's offices, among other people like to make everything seem so simple. On paper you were either a virgin or not, they never dealt with in betweens or reasons. 

Shortly after the form was finished a nurse called him back and handed him a gown. The exam was fairly routine and this time it ended with a blood draw. Jess was finally ready to face up to his self destruction. The doctor handed him a small brown bag filled with condoms and pamphlets on safe sex, STD's and HIV. He instructed Jess to come back in six months for a second HIV test to be sure and then handed Jess back the form he'd filled out. "We let you do what you like with these, we know its personal information and we've found our clients feel better if they have control over it. There's a shredder as you head out if you want to dispose of it here." The doctor explained and then left Jess to get dressed. 

Jess pulled on his clothes and then glanced down his watch. If he didn't hurry he'd miss the next bus back into Stars Hollow and be late back to Luke's. He'd have a lot of explaining to do if he was late, and he really didn't want to disappoint Luke. He'd worked really hard since he'd been back to clean up his act. He grabbed the form and raced out the door, folding up the form and shoving it in his back pocket. 

The bus arrived back in Stars Hollow just barely in time for his shift at the diner. He raced through the streets of town but slowed down in time to casual walk into the diner.

"Where have you been all morning?" Luke asked him gruffly upon his entrance. Jess had slipped out while Luke was busy arguing with Lorelia over her morning coffee intake. 

"Hartford, I took the bus." He answered, picking up an order pad and a towel and heading to a table full of high school students.

It wasn't quite polite or complete, but it was better than Jess' usual 'out' and Luke let it slide having noticed the kid's effort to act better in the past few days he'd been home. 

He worked in the diner all afternoon waiting and busing tables. Sometime after three he glanced up and saw Rory sitting on a bench outside reading. Stars Hollow High had gotten out last week, but Chilton still had another week to go. "Luke, I'm taking my break" he said sitting down at a booth in the back and pulling his pen from behind his ear. He pulled the form from his back pocket and began making notes on the sides of the questions; giving dates, names and small explanations for each of the occurrences on the form. He finished quickly and made his way out the door, he still had ten minutes left of his break. 

He hadn't spoken to Rory since this kiss two days ago. "Hey" he said, going for the casual approach sitting down next to her on the bench. 

Her eyes went wide when sure heard his voice and she looked up from her book. He wanted so badly to ask her about the kiss, about what it meant, but he knew better than that. She would just get mad and frightened and then run away. "I've got a little light reading for you," he said handing her the form. 

She didn't say anything and Jess was dejected. He got up and started to walk away. 

"Jess" she called suddenly snapping out of her fear "I'm leaving next week; I'll be in Washington DC for six weeks." She closed her book and walked away. 

Jess continued into the diner but there was a small smile on his face, they were making headway. 


End file.
